Last year for our summer vacation we decided to rent an RV and drive around Southern Manitoba. We tried to keep the kids entertained with books, games and movies while we were driving, but Paul wasn’t having any of it. By the time we got to Morden, we were wondering if the whole trip had been a mistake. Three days of non-stop fighting about anything and everything where really starting to wear us thin.

While we were in Morden the kids found an abandoned kitten and saved him from the dog he was stealing food from. Naturally they came walking back to the RV as proud as could be. We knew right away that this could be the turning point in the entire trip. If we didn’t take the kitten this would get much worse, as Paul would obsess over it. I decided to tell the kids, in secret that I wasn’t willing to talk to Jen about taking the cat unless they were good for the rest of the trip. It sounds terrible I know, but there was only a day and a half left, and they were driving me crazy with all the arguing. They were perfect little angels for the rest…

…no wait, they still fought with each other and argued with us, but it wasn’t arguing for arguments sake. They were back to “normal”, which was all we really wanted. We took the cat home and brought him to to Humane Society. We told them that he was a stray, and that if they gave him his shots and checked him out we would adopt him and pay for the shots and exam. The next morning I called to check on him, and was told that he was doing fine. Then in the afternoon right before I had to leave for work, they called back and said they didn’t have room for him so he was going to be put down. If we wanted him he had to picked up by 4:00.

I made some phone calls and we got in touch with a friend of a friend who does some work with vets. She agreed to come and take care of the cat if we got him. I called the Humane Society back and arranged for a stay of execution until 5:00. Jen loaded all three kids into the car and raced down to the shelter. A few weeks, and several treatments later Simon had joined the family.

This whole experience turned out to be a blessing, as Paul saw similarities between Simon and himself. I think for the first time he really understood why he was living with us. Not that this has changed the way Paul acts, but I think it has given him some peace that he desperately needed.

Simon has been valuable in getting Paul to open up about his feelings. While he won’t talk about how he feels, he is more than willing to talk about how he thinks Simon feels.

~ Living with Paul

When Paul first came to live with us, we were told repeatedly that he had ADHD not FASD. We have since obtained documentation to the contrary. The only person telling us about FASD wasn’t reliable, so we didn’t listen. As a result we focused on the ADHD. We bought a book from the ADD center here in Winnipeg, which my wife read cover to cover. It could have been written about Paul, all of his behavior issues were there along with tips and strategies to deal with them without medication.

We of course drank this all up and concocted a regime for Paul to follow that was supposed to make Following a “normal” routine easier. This lead us to the charts. They contained not only what he was expected to do (wake up, brush teeth. etc) but also the desired behavior (listening, co-operation). For everything that was done the kids got a point. I say kids because we didn’t think it would be fair to have a chart just for Paul, so we made one for his younger sister as well. At the end of the week they were given a reward based on the amount of points the received.

The rewards were the kind of things that only really matter to children, the ability to choose supper in, an extra hour of “screen-time” on the weekend, or choosing a restaurant to go to. For the first little while this worked very well as Paul yearned for the much coveted extra screen-time tickets.

It wasn’t long before the charts became too hard for Paul. We had to remind him constantly to check the chart to see what he should be doing. We of course just thought he was being lazy, or testing the boundaries. So we stuck to the rules we had set, not understanding that is really was too hard for him.

Before we finally got it, we even tried making each check mark worth a nickel. This of course just made thing worse as it put more pressure on Paul.

Throughout the chart fiasco Paul kept trying to tell us that it was too hard. We just wouldn’t listen, there wasn’t anything unusual on them, and it was stuff that he did, and should be doing every day.

We have learned a little since then, and I understand now that it was not the charts themselves that were too hard. They just put too much pressure on him. He couldn’t sleep because he was so upset about missing a check mark. He would get so worked up that we started giving him ways to earn them back.

In the end while the charts did calm some of the chaos in our home, the toll it was taking on Paul was not worth it. The charts are gone now, and replace by a list that he can check to see what he has to do. There are still good days and bad days, but he has one less thing to get stressed out over.

~Living With Paul

When Paul first came to live with us we had what he now refer to as his honeymoon period. He was like one of those TV children, always offering to help, quiet, polite and friendly. For the first 2 weeks we were left wondering what the big deal was, and then he had his first meltdown.

The meltdowns are bad, and because Paul is unable to regulate his emotions, they only get worse if they are left unchecked. The first one caught us of guard, because it was so unlike the Paul we had been getting to know. While I no longer remember what sparked the episode, I still remember what followed.

It was like a flash flood, we thought we were handling the situation well and then we were drowning. When we tried to make Paul sit at the kitchen table to have a time out, he refused, and started yelling that he didn’t have to do what we tell him. I could see that nothing was getting resolved and that it would be better to talk to him when he was calmer so I tried to send him to his room. He responded with a very determined “No!” so I walked him to his room and sat him on his bed (mistake 1). I tried to walk out of the room and close the door but he was right behind me (mistake 2).

Now I thought I knew a little something about parenting, and thought that sticking with the time out I had given him was the best course of action. Of course this only made things worse, and as he became ever more determined to leave his room I dug in my heels and became more determined that he stay. Not seeing any other way I held the door closed until he stopped pulling on it (mistake 3). Satisfied that I had done the right thing and that he would calm down so we could talk about happened I started walking away.

I didn’t get more than five feet from the door when the banging started. I went back and found him punching himself and saying “I’m stupid” over and over. Still not realizing that I was ill-equipped to deal with the situation I ran into the room and grabbed his arm. I asked him why he was punching himself and got an answer I should have seen coming: “Because I’m stupid!”

I told him that he wasn’t stupid and to stop hitting himself. As soon as I moved toward the door (mistake 4) he started punching himself again. Not knowing what else to do I picked him up and said “Fine if I can’t trust you in here by yourself, then you’ll sit where I can see you!” And carried him to the kitchen and sat him down at the table. And just like that it was over, there was Paul sitting at the table (where he had refused to sit earlier) smiling, bloody lip and all.

We talked to Paul, and everything was back to normal. He told us he was sorry and went to bed like nothing had happened.

After Paul went to bed I phoned Family Services to report the incident and tell them that I had to restrain him. Having grown up in the system I knew how bad that could turn out for me. Not necessarily now, but down the road if he continues to hit himself and decides to tell someone that it was one of us…

Looking back I wouldn’t want to guess which of us was more confused by what was happening. Of course looking back it is easier to see what I did wrong.

Mistake 1: We should have tried to calm him down without trying to discuss the problem. The problem was what was upsetting him in the first place.

Mistake 2: I never should have tried to put him by himself when he was that upset. I was working off of experience with my step-daughter, who will go to her room until she is calm enough to talk.

Mistake 3: Locking him in, boy did I have the blinders on. A severe case of “I’m the parent, I’m right and you will to what I say!” Knowing what I know now, this was the worst thing I could have done. Paul was confused, upset and being sent away from the family. He wasn’t hearing “Go to your room until you are calm enough the talk.” but rather “Get lost, we’re tired of you!” I just reinforced this by trapping him in his room.

Mistake 4: I shouldn’t have tried to leave him again. I’m not sure if or what I was thinking at this point.

You might be asking yourself if you made such a mess of things, and you know that, why would post it for the world to see?

The answer is simple, if another parent can learn from any of the mistakes that we’ve made, then it is worth the embarrassment.

~ Living with Paul

I had only been with Paul’s Sister for a couple of months when I met him. He was living in a foster home and having visits with the family on holidays. His father had lost custody because of his problem drinking. He had to quit drinking and find an appropriate place to live within 2 years, or Family Services would make Paul a permanent ward.

The family visits inevitably played out the same way, Paul would ask “Why are you still drinking Dad?”
“It doesn’t matter if I quit drinking as long as I don’t quit thinking” or some other dumb rhyme was the usual reply.

Shortly after I asked Paul’s sister to marry me, she told me how much Paul living in a foster home bothered her, and asked me if I would be willing to try and get custody. I had grown up in the system so there was really only one answer. In the spring of 2006 we began our quest to get Paul.

We approached Family Services first, and were told that they couldn’t help us.
“If only you had applied when he was first apprehended,” they told us “Then you could have applied to be a place of safety”.

We, of course, thought this was the dumbest answer we could get. What child welfare agency would have given custody of one of their wards to a young single mother? Things were going well for us now; we both had decent jobs, and thought we could provide a stable environment for Paul. So we hired a lawyer and filed a petition for legal guardianship. A couple of weeks before our first court date, we were contacted by Paul’s social worker who asked to come in and talk to him.

The worker interviewed us, and I guess we did alright because he asked us if we would be willing to become foster parents instead of legal guardians. They strongly advised it and told us that because of Paul’s ADHD we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. We talked it over and decided that it was the better option. As we delved into Paul’s history and discovered that he had been diagnosed with FASD as a toddler, we were glad that we had taken that route. The only catch was that they wanted us to talk Paul’s father into dropping his fight for custody. It didn’t take us long to convince him that it was the only way he would be able to continue seeing Paul on holidays.

6 months later, our life with Paul began.

~Living With Paul